Stages of a Cold

I went to a trade show earlier in April, and unfortunately, I caught a good old-fashioned common cold just in time. So, I looked up the typical stages of a cold to set my expectations.

Turns out my cold followed each stage exactly as predicted...

Day 1

Symptoms: Scratchy throat. Sniffles.

Additional Symptoms: In this initial stage, you may also find yourself packing a bag for a trip to Vegas, with feelings of a sudden crushing panic, as you calculate in your head the cruel limitation of total hours left before the taxi arrives at 5:00am. You may also have a desire to curse yourself out for building up an impressive sleep debt.

Recommendations and Remedies: Absolutely nothing to do, so don’t even try. This illness event is barreling straight for you like your mother leaning into a left turn during her driver test, and symptoms can only get worse. You may try to ignore your symptoms until midnight, because you can’t face the reality that you may have to contact your colleague in the middle of the night with a surprise-ambush of news that they will have to setup, manage, and break down a trade show booth all alone. You try to justify in your mind why you must ignore the fact you may become common cold patient zero for United Flight 2487, and you slowly drift off asleep, also realizing you have several days of hard work and misery ahead... what is that pounding? Is that the cab driver? Fantastic news. It’s 5AM.

Day 2

Symptoms: Full-on sore throat. Sinus congestion.

Additional Symptoms: You may feel a growing frustration as you approach your gate realizing you should not have skipped the first Starbucks two miles back at the start of the terminal. You may experience some relief, however, if you just try that generic shop to discover their breakfast sandwich is actually better than Starbucks. Suck it, Starbucks.

Recommendations and Remedies: Again, stop fooling yourself! This thing is not going away. You may feel this way the rest of your life. However, you may want to remember that the work will save you. Throw yourself into your work. Distract yourself with several hours of hard labor, building, unboxing, lifting, moving, and adjusting until you have essentially willed that booth into existence. Go to lunch and eat something good for colds, like a big fat hamburger. Take a nap, and you will surely feel better.

Kidding. You will not feel better, but this step still helps. Again, you will never feel any relief, but you can at least give your body a chance to fight it. Rest all night. Go to bed early. Wake up at 3am. Then 4am. And this next part is essential: wake up at 5am. You will be giving your body a challenge. Stay strong.

Day 3

Symptoms: Sore throat worsening. Dry desert air slicing like razors into the back of your throat. Head filled with congestion. Dizzy.

Recommendations and Remedies: How many times do I have say this? You can do nothing to reduce these symptoms. Water? Tea? Medicine? I laugh at you. Your only choice involves standing on your feet for 7 hours, smiling and demonstrating all those fantastic solutions your company has to offer.

Potential distractions from the misery include coffee shakes for lunch and humiliating your company’s arch nemesis with indifference. That’ll show them.

Day 4

Symptoms: First sign of sore throat improving. Wait. Actually, it’s worse? #*%@&! More congestion. Nose running like a summer fire hydrant filled with splashing children, except the children are knives inside your sinus, cutting and laughing with delight. No fever, but somehow, hallucinations. Strike that. You really do see a robot dog.

Recommendations and Remedies: Pop enough cough drops to fill your cheeks like a squirrel preparing for winter. Excedrin. DayQuil. More coffee shakes for lunch. Sleep standing up. Find a comfortable spot behind the backdrop, under the power cables for an electrifying nap, and get lost on the way to the bathroom, and back from the bathroom.

Day 5

Symptoms: Sore throat... actually slightly improved. Heavy head from sinus congestion.

Additional Symptoms: You may feel some relief from knowing that you only have to stand for 5 hours instead of 7, followed by more hard labor packing the booth into a crate.

Recommendations and Remedies: Hop on a plane full of drunk gamblers and recycled air. Try and nap. Go ahead. Just try it.

Day 6

Symptoms: Congestion builds.

Additional Symptoms: Dry mouth. Chapped lips. The desert has followed you home. Take that chapstick you resisted all week and slather it. Wait, which chapstick is this? This is a different chapstick. Why do we have so much chapstick in the house. What are we going to do with all this chapstick?

Recommendations and Remedies: Resting is recommended at this point. You’ve earned a break. Although, your body is now figuring out what rest really should feel like, and it’s mad at you for waiting a full 5 days, you can plan at least 1 full day without any activity. That will at least give you a chance to think about writing a newsletter about your experiences.

So where are you going? Shopping? Returning DVDs to the library because Amazon Prime started charging for Bob Newhart episodes? Sushi with friends? Why? Tell me why. At least bring back leftovers.

Day 7

Symptoms: Cold over. Full recovery.

Additional Symptoms: You are so naive. Obviously not. You didn’t rest. You’re not 20 any more. You can’t just keep running. Why won’t you ever listen to me? I’m your inner voice. I’m supposed to help you. Well, guess what. I’m done. I’m out of here. You can figure it out on your own. Or don’t. I don’t care.

Recommendations and Remedies: Spend the next week working even harder every day, convincing yourself you will live the rest of your life with a raw sinus, and that’s okay. Spend some additional thinking about the experience, and maybe admit that perhaps you have developed an unhealthy sense of commitment to your job, along with a lifetime of guilt about showing any weakness in a household that refused to acknowledge illness without obvious symptoms like bloody limbs.

Only one thing left to do... coffee shake for lunch.

Here’s to your health!