Self-Actu-What?
In grade school I became obsessed with good behavior. I felt like I could do anything, reach for any shooting star, if I could just behave in class and do my work. Then came high school, and suddenly I felt compelled to have as much fun as possible, even if it meant disrupting band rehearsal or church. I couldn’t seem to behave in any way, anywhere, at all.
This back and forth between following rules and breaking rules continued as an internal struggle for mindshare to this very day, as I obsess over self-improvement in an effort to keep everyone happy, while simultaneously coming to terms with my compulsion to express myself creatively.
Most of you on this email list have known me just about my whole life (insane and fantastic!), so you already know I pride myself on my creativity. Generating ideas, playing with them, twisting and turning them, and spinning them right-round-baby-right-round keeps me feeling alive.
Meanwhile, I go to therapy every week, babbling for a full hour to the nodding lady, and then I go into see my therapist, all to understand why human interactions can seem so overwhelming and challenging at times. The more I understand my complexities, the more I realize just how much work I have ahead of me.
In all of this swirling confusion balancing between fixing myself and letting myself go, I realized I should fuse these drives together, capitalizing on my creativity to explore the inner world of my psyche. More specifically, I want to take a journey of self-growth and self-discovery, aiming for a better version of my...self.
As part of this ultimate me-me-me-me-me self-obsession, I will take a stab at understanding how I experience the world in my natural habitat, like a scientist. I will put on my metaphorical lab coat and observe myself from behind the glass, taking notes, recording on camera for input from colleagues, and only going into the cage during feeding time.
The new series called “Self-de-con-struct-ion-ist”, which I intend to launch next month, will explore my many issues, including such favorites as anxiety, maladaptive behavior, and codependence in a playful, devil-may-care way, working my way towards my ultimate goal of self-actualization.
Self-actu-what? Does that actually mean something? I’ll get into it in the series, but as teaser, you may have heard about the hierarchy of needs (food, security, love, blah, blah, blah). Self-actualization stands at the top of that hierarchy, and it really covers the concept of how to become my true authentic self.
I plan to challenge myself in making it personal, but also keep it entertaining. I also expect to explore many themes that will tie into my other creative projects. Ultimately, I want this journey to parallel, inform, and act as a personal companion to my other writings and productions.
It’s going to get messy, like *dogs chasing cats across the Thanksgiving dinner table while three generations shout at each other about the local sports teams* kind of messy. I have only a limited idea of where I’m headed. I’ll discover as I go. Catch it as a podcast with accompanying video segments, and let me know if you enjoy it.
Now I just have to make it.