THE DAILY SCHEDULE

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Do I really want to share my time with a baby? Do I want to sacrifice my own important life for the creation of a new one? Important things I do each day during the week:

Sleep - 7 hours

Procrastinate - 1 hour

Write - 2 hours

Work - 8 hours

Commute - 2 hours

TV - 1 hour

Chows - 1 hour

This schedule leaves only 2 hours to devote to the baby. So now, I must face the inevitable sacrifices. Obviously TV will be the first to go (but you and I both know that I will still attempt to watch my shows while burping and changing). But, that only counts for an extra hour. Then, I’ll have to sacrifice some of my writing time, which will make me bitter and resentful. On the other hand, I find I’m least funny when I’m happy, so that one’s a toss-up. If I’m lucky, I can remove the hour of procrastination. Or, better yet, the baby will be the new procrastination! And sleep, from what I understand, will also go away. I guess that’s when your dreams literally disappear.

So, I’ve managed to add 5 hours of time. I’m sure Jackie will be more than happy to spend the other 19 hours handling the baby by herself, right?

Okay, after successfully avoiding 3 good swings from Jackie’s fist, but catching the last upper cut squarely in the jaw, I needed to take a break from being conscious. However, it gave me some time to ponder the additional elements from last week’s schedule that could make having a baby plainly irresponsible:

1) Stress about mediating between my client and my coworkers to make sure everyone is happy about microphones (8 hours for the week)

This situation presents an opportunity for the baby to experience some real life trauma when it needs loving from an emotionally drained father. I can pretend everything is fine, but the baby will know. It’s sensors will record the fear and confusion to store it away for future use. Then, some day, my adult child will freak out when someone sings karaoke, or someone offers a microphone. And my child won’t even know why.

2) Reading a guide for personal finance (6  hours for the week)

Forget the fact that I won’t even be able to consider the idea of conducting self-improving activities post-birth. The new knowledge I gained this week about my financial mistakes and ignorance should be proof enough that a baby will be sorely deprived of many needs. The lack of finances for a baby will have to be covered next week…

3)  Sensation Seizures (5 hours for the week)

Sensation had 10 seizures this week. I imagine my baby delighting at the first sight of a Sensation seizure, as it looks forward to many hours of playing with the dog that likes to dance. But, once it runs like a demonized hound across the room, blind and confused, knocking over my baby and creating it’s first scar on the corner of the coffee table, it will realize the terrifying truth that the dog is not into music, but more into Satan. And, my baby will enjoy a lifetime of nightmares!

4) Movies at Work (2 hours for the week)

Okay, I have an unusual benefit of working at a theatre. I can watch a movie during my work day, without any negative repercussions. In fact, I would’ve spent an additionally 6 - 8 hours watching movies at work last week if I didn’t have the seizure problems. But, how could I justify seeing a movie at work, while my wife is at home with a screaming child? Now that I think about it, if the child screamed all day, I would probably desperately need a movie to prevent myself from going postal. Jackie would probably want to join me, too. Goldie and Sensation may be able to baby sit once in a while - they are very loyal and protective - although the screaming may trigger another seizure cluster.

All in all, my reluctance when it comes to giving up my time appears to prove my mother correct - I am selfish. But, I like being selfish. It’s fun. However, I admit I would feel guilty for spending so much time on myself if a baby comes. I might be forced to change. I might even learn from the change. Or, I may just harbor my resentment for years, fight with my children, and die unhappy and alone.

I understand that approach works just as effectively as not having children in the first place.